Pickles are Dangerous!
by Sangri Star
Summary: Take one Harry Potter movie marathon and three sickminded teenagers and shake them together. You get this. Sanity avert your virgin eyes. NOTE: This work is on indefinite hiatus, forever incomplete. Sorry.
1. Fast Times at Hogwarts High

"Well, that's a great idea, Ron" whispered Harry, sarcastically.

"Shut up..." came the response, an agitated sigh from Ron

"Hello"

At this point Harry and Ron meet one of the few freaks who are h3r3 f0r N0 4pp4r3N7 r3450N...0 /-/, 51pp1NG 17N0 1337...

"Gee...who do you think that was, Harry?"

"Oh, probably just one of the many psychotic omniscient narrators who for one reason or another are continuously whipping in and out of the plot to randomly inform us of what is going on, or to conveniently relay the events of the villain who ha - "

"Harry..."

"I know... 'don't ramble anymore'..."

"HI!"

What Harry and Ron see at this point is rather odd: a "rainbow (pink and orange, and red and blue and purple and green and blonde and black and mauve and fuchsia and "purple mountain's majesty and tickle me pink and carnation pink and electric lemon lime and lemon lime and robin's egg blue and teal and hunter green and army green and olive and bronze and gold and silver and crystal like hues of all the stuff previously mentioned and whatever else is mentioned afterwards and all the variated hues in pastel and whatever else could be thought of in the alternate dimension in which she exists-

Plot give away!

DUN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- and amethyst and ruby red and jasmine and cream and crème and tope and lapis lazuli and yellow orange and orange yellow and orange red and red orange and blue green and green blue and violet and midnight black and jet black and navy blue and sea foam blue and periwinkle and grey and gray and storm cloud grey and cobalt blue and cadet blue and indigo and cerulean blue and lime and lemon and banana yellow and agent orange and pure white and brick red and carmine and scarlet and rouge and blanche et bleu et verte et orange et brun et noire et jaun et purpurn und blau und gelb und grun und Schwarz und purpurrot and claret und rosarot und rot et negro et verde et azul and peach and raspberry and apricot and strawberry and blueberry and black berry and boysenberry and plaid and macaroni & cheese and forest green and jungle green and magenta and sky blue and rose and goldenrod and graphic green and infrared and ultraviolet and laser lemon and megabyte magenta and orange circuit and sepia and mahogany and cedar and black cherry and oak and salmon and toffee and coffee and mocha and vanilla mocha and peppermint and cinnamon and pumpkin and butternut squash and lettuce and cucumber und gurke et concombre (god I want a salty cucumber) and lilac lavender and all the colors of the wind and metallic blue and metallic silver and old penny brown and rusted old penny teal and ivy and ultramarine blue and cadmium yellow and oxidized yellow and sulfur yellow and oxidized red and royal blue and mountain dew green and royal purple and white mocha raspberry pink and neon blue and neon pink and neon green and neon yellow and neon black and neon red hello kitty pink Barbie pink hello kitty purple Barbiepurplecharliebrownpineneedlegreencatbarfgreensnotgreenpoobrownschoolbusyellowchocolatemilkshakebrownfrenchfryyellowtwinkieyellowscissorhandleorangeareyoustillreadingthisbecauseifyouareyouareeitherverydeterminedorveryveryveryveryveryverypatheticanyhoomudbrownpeeyellowapplecidersnowhiterussetgraperedwinewhitewinepinkzinphindelbluecuracaotomatojuiceyellotomatojuiceredleopardspottedzebrastripedtigerstripedmr.happysamscatyoudirtymindedpeoplecolorcarrotorangebeetredcottoncandypinkcottoncandyblue whew...yeah...for those of you that care SMACK...that totals 191, and counting smile emoticon because it won't show up)" haired girl named Leigh.

Leigh smacks Nick

"Uhhh...-"

"WHEN DO I COME IN, I WANT TO SHOW OFF MY SUPER GOTH AURA SPELL THINGY-DINGY- oh..."

At this point, ALL IS LOST, Sanity, please avert your virgin eyes.

"Uhhh..." Harry and Ron agree.

"Uhhh..."

"Thank you."

"?"

"Bye"

At this point, the three figures mysteriously vanish.

"Harry," spoke Ron, "what exactly were we talking about?"

"Uhhh ...thank you?"

Enter: Hermione with Versace undercover (but we don't know that!)

"Hi... you guys look like you're stoned. What's going on?"

"Well, we just saw a very, very strange thing," Ron stammered.

"Yeah... I don't know whether we were supposed to see what we saw or not," said Harry.

"Well, what did you see?"

"These three weird people... there was this kid that kinda looked like Harry, 'cept not, and he wore cat ears and a bell around his neck that he jingled a lot, and this girl with a Goth aura spell who ranted about how she desperately wanted to be seen, and then another girl with really, REALLY colorful hair!" Ron exclaimed.

"How colorful was it?"

"So colorful, they made a movie about it. Not a book, a movie!"

"Seriously?"

"I don't know!"

"Hmmm...."

Harry interrupted Hermione's prized pondering moment to say, "Who the hell is this guy?? Pointing to Versace ('cept we don't know that!).

"Oh," Hermione said, "This is a new acquaintance of mine. He just transferred from Beauxbatons. Er... what was your name again?"

"Umm... Cressley, Karson Cressley." Versace ('cept again, we don't know that!) said with a lisp. He wore ripped jeans (the pre-ripped kind that preppy people spend way too much money on), a button-up flowery shirt with the top three buttons unbuttoned, a sea coral necklace, and a gaudy belt that is rotated to the side where only part of his shirt is tucked in, plus classic Windsor wing-tip shoes sock less (the only way to wear them). There is also a curiously strong breeze blowing on him only as he rests his weight on one hip.

"Malfoy...?" Malfoy follows shortly after, with a strangely similar outfit, moaning "I am Fabio!" Fan girl sigh-from Leigh and Sam

All the heads turned

"Ron, did you hear something?"

"Yeah, I think I did."

"Me too!" Hermione chimed in.

"Of course, we all did!" Harry said. "But where did it come from?"

"Obviously," Malfoy tossed his head and let his hair dance in the air. "It was caused by my sexy looks. No girl can resist me!"

"Yeah right!" Harry walked up to him and pushed him. "I'm without contest the sexiest one standing here!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

Hermione walked up and smacked Harry and Malfoy in the back of the head. "Shut up you two! Everyone knows Ron is the sexiest!"

"WHAT?" Everyone shouted, except Hermione and Ron. Ron smiled gloatingly. You know the only reason she said that was because the two of them are making googly-eyes at each other ALL THE TIME!

"Well... yeah..." she slunk back into her non-talking area.

"Oh, so I guess I have some competition here..." Karson said. He was given the evil-eye.

"I'm going to go now. The truth of who is sexier, I guess, lies in the eye of the beholder. But everyone knows Slytherins are! Goodbye!" Malfoy strutted out of the room.

"Wait! Don't go!" a Gothy-looking girl ran after him. She seemed to have come out of nowhere. "WAIT!" she called.

"Where the hell...?" Hermione said, mouth hanging open.

"She came with us," a fat Harry Potter look-alike with cat ears and a bell said.

"And where the hell did you...?"

"Don't ask, you probably don't want to know." Said the fat Harry Potter look-alike who quickly disappeared with his fellow companions.

"What the hell is going on?" asked a confused yet incredibly sexy Harry Potter (Leigh is taking over now...just thought you ought to know.)

"Umm...Oh! I remember! I was showing our new transfer student the Gryffindor common room!" Hermione exclaimed as she finally remembered after contemplating for what seemed like hours but was really only a couple of seconds.

"Okay, that's nice, but umm, like how do we get there? Do we go through some sort of traveling device or do we fly there or what?" asked Versace, um I mean, Karson.

"You are dumber than a box of rocks aren't you?"

"Ron! That is no way to treat our new student!" Hermione said as she smacked him across the back of the head.

"It is if he doesn't use any common sense!"

"I'm sorry... I guess I'm not used to your ways around here. After all, I have been going to Beauxbatons for years," Karson said as he flipped his hair back.

"Why the hell do you keep doing that?" asked a very confused Harry Potter.

"Oh my gods! Did you know your eyes are, like, incredibly blue?" Karson said.

"'Cept they're green you idiot!"

"Oh, what ever, you're still hotter than Johnny Depp naked in a bathtub full of hot salsa!"

"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight..... I'm going over here now." As he pointed over to Hermione and Ron who were currently making rather big mushy googly-eyes at each other.

"We are not!"

"Shut up! You're not supposed to pay attention to me! I'm the omniscient, sexy narrator! And you were too!"

"Hey, hey, hey!"

"Who the hell are you?!"

"I'm random, fat black kid #1 that is in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban numerous times but never gets a name and isn't a main character!"

"And why are you here bothering us?" Harry asked again because every one else is busy making googly-eyes at each other.

"Because O-Wonderful, sexy omniscient narrator got bored and couldn't think of anything else to write so she threw me in here!"

"Get the fuck out of here! What is with all these random people popping in like its Christmas?!" a very distraught Harry said.

"Christmas?" Hermione asked breaking out of her trace with Ron.

"Shut up! I couldn't think of anything else better to write!"

"Okay. Whatever!" and she proceeded to go back and make more mushy faces with Ron.

"This is making no sense whatsoever!"

"NO!" Neville cried as he ran into the random room with random people making random googly-eyes at each other.

"Oh no! What is it, Neville?"

"Trevor! He died!"

"Oh no! That's terrible! Who's Trevor?" asked a very dumb Karson.

"Trevor's my toad that I've had forever."

"Oh you mean he finally croaked?" Ron asked and then started giggling at his own joke.

"Do you have no respect for the dead?" Karson asked as he put his arm around Neville.

"Um, who are you?"

"Oh, I'm Karson! I'm new here."

"Right, and why do you have your arm around me?"

"Because you need to be comforted, or converted, which ever you choose."

"Converted? What do you-" started a very curious Neville before Harry interrupted.

"Um, never mind Neville. What about Trevor? How did he die?"

"Oh, it was terrible! He was crossing the street, jumping past cars, trying to get to the other side when all of a sudden, he ran out of lives and died because he got ran over by a very blocky-looking semi truck."

"Okay...right."

"But we don't have roads, and what's a semi truck?" asked a very confused Ron with a very pissed off Hermione behind him because he was more worried about a stupid flat frog instead of her.

"Ahem!" Hermione said rather indignantly.

"What?"

"You stopped paying attention to me!"

"And?"

"RONALD WEASLEY!"

"Oh, Jesus Christ! Get over yourself woman! You're hot, but I don't have to stare at you all damn day!"

"Oh you bet you do because if you don't then I'm going to deny you sex for a month!"

"You can't do that! I will die!"

"Well, if you pay attention to me then I won't have to!"

"Can we PLEASE stop talking about your sex life for just ONE MINUTE!?" Harry screamed when he got fed up with his two best friends talking about whether or not they were going to get laid tonight.

"If we must," Hermione said as she sighed and went back to making googly-eyes at her boyfriend.

"But we need sex!" Ron cried. "Harry, you know how it feels, you know, it's wonderful, it's liberating, it's, it's SEX!"

Harry gave Ron a quizzical look and slightly shook his head. Ron's jaw dropped. "Harry? You mean you've never... Harry! You must be kidding!"

Harry pulled Ron to the side, even though everyone was already looking at him in utter shock and said, "Shh! Don't tell anybody!"

"Well, I think it's a bit late for that..."

"Dammit Ron, it's hard enough being the weirdo kid with the scar on his forehead without worrying about the fact that he's still a virgin!"

"Man... how can you stand that? You have some mighty stamina."

"You can say that... and a mighty hand."

"Ah, so you've been wand-flicking quite a bit?"

"Ron! How can you ask that? Of course!"

Random penguin walks by, and everyone gets distracted.

"What, again, the bloody hell?" Ron shouted.

"Ah, you see... we have discovered something quite rare, here," the fat Harry Potter look-alike reappeared from nowhere said. "It seems as if there is a secret wormhole behind a trapdoor in Leigh's garage which enables us to come here."

"Brilliant!" The rainbow-haired girl yelled.

"Now wait here a second..." Hermione spoke up... "Before you go, who ARE you? We've been around here this whole time trying to figure that out!"

"Well," the fat Harry Potter look-alike said, "I am Nick. And my friend here is -"

"The Great and Powerful Leighdini!" the rainbow-haired girl finished, jumping up into the air.

"Anyway, we are wondering where our friend has gone to..."

"Is she the Gothy-looking one?" Versace asked.

"Yes! That's the one! Her name is Sam."

"She went chasing after Draco Malfoy a while ago. I wonder if she ever caught up to him..."

"AHHH!!! GET HER AWAY FROM ME!!" Draco just happened to run into the room at the same time he was mentioned...gee, I wonder how that worked out so well?

"But I LOOOOOVE you!"

"Sam, leave the poor boy alone! He doesn't even live in the same dimension as you let alone the same COUNTRY!" Leigh shouted at her friend.

"But, but, I loooooove him!"

"Sam, I think that is what most people call 'lust'." Nick said, informatively.

"Fine! You just take away all of my fun! I'm gonna go cry now." Sam said as she sulked off and disappeared.

"Ah, thanks, I owe you one!" Draco sighed. "She's one crazy bitch! I swear she was really close to swapping bodily fluids with me!"

"No problem, none at all," Nick said.

Another random penguin walks by and everyone gets distracted again.

"What...? Oh, never mind," Draco said.

"Aww... she looked so sad... do you think I can find her?" Ron asked.

"Who? Sam?" Leigh asked.

"Yeah."

"Of course! Just follow her wonderful Gothiness trail!" She pointed out the door. There was a bluish-blackish trail floating just barely above the trail. Ron went to follow it, and Hermione followed not too far behind. He found her in the library, God knows how she found it. She was sitting between two bookcases, saddened and mopey.

"Er... hello. I saw you were sad..."

"Well of course! I am rejected by the boy I love!"

"Here..." He dug in his pocket and brought out a package. He unwrapped it. It was chocolate. He broke off a piece and gave it to her. "Have some chocolate. It will make you feel better."

She took it and put it in her mouth. "Thank you," she smiled and hugged Ron, but she spotted Hermione standing behind them.

"RONALD WEASLEY!"

"Oh... shit!"

"I can't believe you! Five years of repressed love, and now we get together, and this is how you repay me?! I can't believe you!"

"It's not what it looks like, Hermione, I swear!"

"Of course it's what it looks like other wise it wouldn't look like that now would it?!" a very mad Hermione said as she began to turn a shade of purple that would make Uncle Vernon jealous of.

"All I was doing was giving her a piece of chocolate!"

"So THAT'S what they're calling it these days!"

"Who's calling what? I'm confused..." Sam said as she munched on her piece of chocolate.

"For some reason Hermione was thinking I was going to have sex with you just because I gave you a piece of chocolate!"

"Well, I will let you know, Ronald Weasley, that two can play at this game!" Hermione said as she stomped out of the library.

"What game? Now I'm really lost." Sam said as she finished her last bit of chocolate.


	2. Whom the Gods Destroy

"Whom the gods destroy, they first make mad." piped up a rather philosophical Malfoy.

"What the hell are you on about now?" Harry asked after Malfoy spouted out this random bit of information.

"I dunno, the authors needed a way to start off this chapter and this was the best idea they came up with."

"Oh, well, works with me!"

Neville, who had left the room briefly, came back with a shoebox. His eyes were red from crying. "I need to go bury Trevor now, would someone please come with me?" His moment was interrupted by Ron and Hermione bursting in the room and knocking Neville to the side. They were at each others throats.

"I wasn't going to sleep with her!"

"Of course you weren't!"

"I wouldn't unless you wanted me to! But I wouldn't enjoy it!"

Suddenly, Hermione became quiet. "You'd really wouldn't?"

"No, of course not, I love you Hermione." Everyone goes, "Aww!" right now, including the authors who have just discovered it is 1:41 in the morning... oh well. They hugged and kissed and all that mushy-gushy stuff. Neville cleared his throat. Harry, who had been sitting in a cross-legged position, scrambled to his feet.

"Okay, Neville, I'll help you go bury Trevor."

"Me too," Hermione and Ron agreed.

"Why not?" Versace said.

"I might as well go just to laugh at you fools..." Draco sighed and he too, stood up.

Nick and Leigh reappeared and said, "We'll go too."

"And me," Sam stepped in the doorway. "That is, if I'm welcome."

"I'm sorry Sam," Hermione said. "I was being too drastic. I shouldn't have acted that way. Do you accept my apology?"

"Yes, Hermione, I do." They shook hands.

"We better get going," Neville said. "Trevor's body is starting to smell quite bad."

Neville led the group out onto the grounds, and they stopped on a small hill. Harry had gotten a shovel from the storage shed, and he started digging. Soon, there was a hole big enough for the shoebox. Neville bent down and placed the box in it. Then Versace covered the hole up. They stood around Trevor's grave.

"Won't somebody say something about Trevor?" Neville asked.

"Umm..." Hermione said, trying to find something nice. "Trevor was a good frog. He got lost quite frequently, but we always found him. And he never complained."

"He was very pixilated," Ron said.

"And he never turned into an icky supposed-to-be-convict who framed Sirius Black, either," Harry said.

"Shut up, Harry... people aren't supposed to know that side of the story..." Ron said before quickly changing to his tiny tribute. "I liked Trevor... he wasn't a stupid rat like Scabbers... I wish I could have had a pet like him... okay, maybe not..."

"He always looked both ways before he crossed the road, well...most of the time...okay never really." Harry said as Neville started crying harder because of the truth hitting so close to home.

"Umm...he was a cool guy, always made me laugh, and made me feel good when ever I was in a bad mood because I couldn't find my left shoe in the mornings." Karson said.

"Okay, dude, you're getting on my nerves. First of all, Trevor was a TOAD not a person, and second of all, YOU JUST GOT HERE TODAY!" Ron said as he got fed up with Karson's stupidity.

"Hey, there is no need to yell at me just because I didn't know him! I'm sure he was fun to hang out with and had a great sense of style."

"He was a bloody TOAD you great git!"

At this, Neville started crying louder because no one was paying their respects to the poor dead frog...um I mean toad. And eventually, Neville ran off to the castle.

"That was rather mean, you know," Hermione said. "Haven't you ever had a pet that died?"

"No!" Ron said, "I had Scabbers, and you remember what he was like!"

"Will you stop bringing up that bloody rat?" Harry yelled.

"Look, it doesn't matter. A toad has gone splat, and a Neville has gone teary," Sam said. "Some friends you are."

"Whoa, look here, I am not a friend," Malfoy said. "I think this is ridiculous

"I know that, I was talking to them."

"Hey, wait a minute! You're new here too!" Harry shouted. "You have no right to say anything either! Really, who the hell do you think you are?"

"Is all that you guys do is argue? You ridicule your so-called friends; you hate your enemies even more than you already do. All of you are crazy! You could be having fun together, but instead you'd rather be yelling at each other! How many people have to cry before all this is said and done?" Nick yelled at them, and then took a deep breath. He looked at the crowd of shocked faces. "Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest. It was really bugging me."

"And penguins dance badly too!" Leigh shouted at everyone also.

Everyone looks at Leigh confused then shakes their heads and go back to arguing.

"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!" Malfoy yelled.

And wow, like magic, that made everyone shut the hell up. They looked at him like, "Okay what now are you going to say?" And he spoke. "I guess there is at least one thing we can agree on. Trevor was a stupid toad, Ron's rat was stupid too, and they are both gone now, so who cares?"

"Agreed," everyone said, and walked off in different directions. Neville was up in the boy's dormitory crying, Harry was trying to work on Divination homework, Ron and Hermione were necking behind some bushes on the grounds, Versace was looking at himself in the mirror, thinking he was really sexy, Malfoy was looking at himself in the mirror, thinking he was really sexy, and the weirdos... Well the weirdos had decided that there wasn't a lot of love in that castle, so they were in the library reading books. Why? Well, you see, they were sick and tired of arguments, all the arguments! They were looking for a potion... But what kind? Find out on next week's episode!

Okay... maybe not. Hold on a second while Sam, who is writing this section of the story, gets some water.

She's back... she thinks she might wait a little bit before going on with the plot. Do you want to know about those three weirdos? Well, as you can probably tell, if you're not stupid, that there are three of them and their names are Nick, Leigh and Sam. You might be thinking now, "Hey! Sam's the name of one of the authors! And so is Leigh! And so is Nick!" Wow... funny how that works. And if you've been paying any attention to this story whatsoever, then you should know that they get to Hogwarts through a wormhole behind a trapdoor in Leigh's garage. "But how do they disappear?" You ask. Well, it's simple. It's a glitch in the Matrix. Leave it at that, because if I tried to go in depth, it wouldn't be simple anymore. It's a glitch! So there... sticks tongue out

What? Oh, I should go back to the storyline? But I don't want to! I want to talk about how cool we are all day! We're not? Damn... Okay, you pansies, here you go, your precious storyline!

Gollum comes by saying, "My precious!"

Alrighty then... So where was I? Ah, yes. The potion. Nick, Sam, and Leigh were all trying to find a love potion so that everything could be happy, happy, happy! Well, it wasn't working, so nah! Your hopes have been dashed on the rocks!

So yeah Hogwarts students went about their lives. Well, except for Trevor, who was lying six feet under.

That night, a violent storm stormed outside Hogwarts. Rain poured down like snot from a sick kid's nose, and it was chaotic and a dark and stormy night and all that other crap. Anyway, something strange was happening. Where Trevor's grave was, it was very peculiar... it had been unearthed!

DUN DUN DUNN!!!

And coming from the grave were... muddy footprints!

DUN DUN DUNNN!!!

And the shoebox that Trevor had been buried in... Was open!

DUN DUN DUNNNN!!!

And inside the box... there was nothing there!

DUNN DUNN DUNNNNNNNNNN!!!!

What the hell happened? What the hell is going on here? Who the hell is Versace? Why the hell don't we spell Versace's fake name like Carson Kressley? Because, the man whose name is spelled like that is real, and he's very cool. Unlike Versace, a.k.a. Karson Cressley. We hope there is no confusion or konfusion. Because confusion, no matter if you spell it with a 'C' or a 'K', is bad. But we can all have a nice F-U-C-K. What the hell are we rambling about?

FIND OUT IN NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE, "DANCING WITH DISASTER" OR "CHA-CHA-ING ALONGSIDE CONFUSION (WITH A 'C')!"

Penguin walks by.

"Whew! That's done! Now to go eat some chocolate cake!" Sam said as she stood up and left the computer all alone. She was eating a huge piece of chocolate cake when her cell phone rang. She answered it.

"Hello?"

A weird voice on the other end said, "Seven days..."

"Until what?"

"Seven days..."

"Man, you must have the wrong number! I don't know what you're talking about!"

The caller hung up. "Okay..." Sam said. Her cell phone rang again. "I sure hope it's not one of those crazy people again..." She answered it again.

"Hello?"

"Do you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain?"

"Why yes, yes I do!"

"Do you like being 'on top' of everything?"

"What do you mean? I try my best in my grades in school, and I hate being late, and I must always know the latest news. So... yeah, I guess so."

"Good! Then maybe you'd like to purchase a copy of the book _The Dominatrix Guide to Everything_! It gives details, tips, tricks, and includes full-color pictures of all demonstrations. It's a worthwhile book, really."

"Uh... maybe some other time." Sam hung up quickly. But then, just as she was finishing her cake, her phone rang again. She answered it.

"GO AWAY YOU SCARY TELEMARKETERS! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Uhh... Sam? You might want to get back to the story, okay?" The person on the other line was Nick.

"But... it was a cliffhanger! The people have to wait until next week's episode, "Dancing with Disaster" or "Cha-cha-ing with Confusion (With a 'C')!"

"I'm sending Leigh over to keep an eye on you. You must write, or she will!"

"No! But it's a CLIFFHANGER! People have to WAIT!"

"'Cept not," said Leigh as she walked into Sam's house.

"Goodbye!" Nick said before hanging up.

"But..." Sam protested.

"No cliffhanger, Sam. Not until the end of the chapter. That's the rule, if there even is a cliffhanger. And definitely not four pages into it... Now write!"

"But I want a cliffhanger!"

"But I want a picnic!"

"You get no picnic! Orgy!"

"Crap... again?"

"Yes..."

"I still want a picnic..."

"As Nick would say, 'I have twisted the strands of fate against you! MUAHAHA!"

"Hold on a sec..." Leigh started digging in her messenger bag and found a large roll of duct tape. I can fix that..."

Horror washed over Sam's face as Leigh walked closer and closer. "No! Not the duct tape! Please! Not the duct tape! AHHHHH!"

Penguin walks by.

Omigodwhatthefuckhappened? Did Sam die, or worse? Who actually sells a sex book over the phone? Why are we getting off subject? Find out next week in our next episode, "STICKY SITUATION" or "ADHESIVE ACCIDENT"!

'Cept not... we're lying, and here's what happened:

Sam is not dead. She was not killed by Leigh. If we mentioned Leigh wielding a Hello Kitty spoon during that bit, yes, Sam would be dead. But no, Sam is only restrained. She is duct taped around the wrists and ankles, along with a piece over her mouth. Because no one wants to hear her rendition of "Danger! High Voltage!" right now. It's fun, but she just needs to shut up now.


	3. Ring Ring!

**Ring Ring**

"Hello?"

"Leigh?"

"Yeah, what's up, Sam?"

"You know how you said you would work on the Fanfic during break because you had nothing else better to do?"

"Kinda rings a bell, yeah."

"Well, my informant has told me that you haven't worked on them at all and instead you've been playing DDR. This isn't true, is it?"

"Damn! I thought I got rid of those cameras!"

"Leigh! I told you to work on them but instead you've been playing DDR!?"

"Well, you would too if you got DDR Extreme for Gift day!"

"Just go work on it!"

"Sigh…fine!"

"Good."

**Click**

"I guess I better go work on it," sighed a rainbow haired girl in Spider-man swim trunks with a tankini top and a wool/fleece earflap hat as she plopped her butt down at the computer blankly staring at the screen for what seemed like hours but in reality was only a couple of seconds.

"I have a great idea! But how can we get the Rockettes?" She began laughing at her own joke from a TV show long since cancelled. "No, seriously, I need a plot. Oh! Now I remember where we left our unexpecting heroes!"

"Trevor? Is, is that you?" A clumsy boy stumbled out as he looked upon the figure in shock.

"Ne-neville? Is that you?" The random person said as he looked up at Neville. As he did so, every one in the Great Hall got to see what he actually looked like. He was a tall, lithe boy who could have easily been Neville brother if not twin if they didn't look like exact opposites.

"DUN DUN DUNNNNN!"

"Yes Sam, dun dun dunn. Now let me continue, I got an idea forming!"

"Oh, this should be scary! Leigh has an idea."

"Oh, Dahling, if you only knew." The rainbow haired girl said in a cheesy, fake movie star accent.

"Um, Neville? How do you know Trevor, well besides him being your frog?" Ron asked since he's the first person I could think of in the random group of people standing in the great hall.

"Well, he's my twin brother, but I thought he died, well, not as my frog, but as my brother."

"Whoa! Wait a second here!" Hermione shouted because I like to see Hermione freak out because it amuses me…hehehe… "He's your brother that you thought died so in his honor you named your TOAD after him?"

"Well, yeah, he was my best friend and I wanted to keep him with me so I named my toad after him."

"Okay, this is all well and good, but how did Trevor become a toad?" Harry asked since he's been quiet for a while.

"I-I-I don't know. He died because he got hit by a truck, the real Trevor. I thought that he was dead, I didn't know he was turned into a frog."

"I turned into a frog when I freaked out because I got hit by a truck. I've been a toad ever since. I haven't been able to figure it out. I only turned back into me because I got bored being a frog, especially a dead one."

"HOLD IT!" Draco shouted. "Harry, what was that one girl's name? The one with the hair?"

"Um…Leigh. I think. Why?"

"Leigh! What in the hell are you writing here!"

"Hey, I think it's a pretty good plot line for a story that we decided to do one unsuspecting Saturday afternoon whilst watching your goofy movies!" The rainbow haired girl retorted. "It was never intended to make any sense!"

"Well why don't you let Sam type again! At least she made the plot a bit more amusing then a dead frog turning out to be Neville's brother!"

"Hey! I thought it was a good idea." Sam shouted indignantly at the insult.

"Well, it isn't! It sucks!"

"Take it back!" The rest of the Great Hall shouts as if it were rehearsed.

"Why do they know what to shout at the right time but we don't?" Draco asked as he was already pissed off.

"Because I wrote them that way!"

Dillon steals the keyboard and runs around maniacally in circle, and starts to type....

"Hehehehe, now they all will die!!!!!!!!!!11one"

BONG!

"Hahaha!" Leigh giggled as he fell to the floor. She was wielding a blue bass guitar. "Now we got it back!"

"Muahahaha!" Sam joined her in laughter. "Now it is my turn..."

Dillon lies, unconscious, on the ground.

"Who's that?" asked Draco.

"Just our spastic friend Dillon," Leigh told him.

"Oh, well.....why is he in a loincloth?"

"I dunno.......what is today?" Leigh asked.

"Saturday," said Hermione.

"Ah, well, that would explain it....." said Leigh.

Everybody looked at her questioningly.

"Don't ask...." said Leigh.

Dillon's addition to this story makes him happy....Yay.

"Anyway, it's my turn to write! Go away!" Sam yelled to Dillon. "Hey! You two random kids!"

"What?"

"You want to make some quick money?"

"Sure!"

"Come over here and take this body away. He's not dead, but dispose of him any way you want. Just get rid of him."

"Okay, but when do we get paid?"

"When you come back and assure me that he is gone completely. Kapesh?"

"Kapesh."

The two kids drag Dillon's body off to an undisclosed location. Everyone gawks at Sam because they know what she just did.

"Umm... so how 'bout those Yankees?" Sam said.

"What Yankees?" Harry said.

Random penguin walks by, everyone gets distracted.

"Anyhoo," Nick butted in, "I've been missing for quite a while, don't I need to come back to the story?"

"No. My turn! Meine!" Sam began angrily yelling in German. "Hört zu mich! Ich bin ihre Führer!"

"Huh?" Ron said in confusion.

"Exactly," Goyle said. (Hey, when did he show up in this story?)

"Trust me, you don't want to mess with her guys," Leigh said casually. "She's just a bit left of center."

"Okay..." the Great Hall crowd said in unison.

"Whew... okay, I'm done. Just needed to vent there, that's all. Suppressed trauma, childhood memories, hentai experience, you know..."

"Back to dinner, everyone! Nothing to see here!" Nick yelled. And the crowd did just that.

"So, Trevor, how was it like to be a toad all these years?" Leigh asked.

"Well, I had to eat flies, sit around, and, well, be a toad. There's not that complicated."

"Why did you run away so much, Trevor?" Neville clung to Trevor's dirty shirt and cried.

"Just for this reason," he shoved Neville off of him. "I needed oxygen. You were smothering me, I never could be alone. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go visit the hospital wing and get cleaned up, perhaps check if I am all right after that collision."

"Good idea, how about I go with you, cutie?" Versace weaved his way in between Leigh and Sam. "You may need some help..."

"Absolutely not!" Everyone in the group yelled at him.

"If anyone's going with him, it will be anyone but you. Most likely, Neville should go. They are brothers, after all," Nick said, then rang the bell around his neck.

Neville and Trevor left to go to the hospital wing, and everyone parted. Leigh, Nick, and Sam retreated secretly to a very secret room where they were concocting their love potion. It was almost finished... and the time would come to serve it to the students and staff of Hogwarts to calm the spirits and ease the mind.

"How are we going to do this?" Sam said as she stirred one cauldron bubbling with pinkish purple liquid. Leigh stirred another, and Nick stirred another. "I do believe we will have enough to give to everyone here, but how do we do it?"

"I know! I know!" Leigh bounced up and down.

There was a knock on the door before she could answer. The three of them looked at each other with suspicion. "Oh, that's okay, it's just those two random kids. I can handle them," Sam said. She opened the door, but only just enough to pay them off.

"How did you get all those wizard coins?" Nick asked.

"Easy, have you ever tried working in a wizard porn shop?" She went back to stirring.

"You worked in a wizard porn shop?"

"Yeah, it's funny, those things. They aren't too big, very secluded, and they pay well. The porn is horrible, though. Sticking wands where they don't belong, using enchantments to obtain orgasms, just, very scary stuff."

"You... watched it?"

"I worked in the store! They had some tapes playing on the TV, that's all I saw!"

"But you watched it?"

"Yes! Anyway, you should always know the difference between a cucumber and a zucchini. Now, Leigh, what's your plan?"

"Okay! You see, we have a party!"

"Good, good..."

"And we invite everyone!"

"Anything else?"

"Oh! We need entertainment! Umm... how about we have a sort-of talent show party thingy-dingy!"

"Brilliant!" Nick cheered.

"Brilliant!" Sam cheered.

"Brilliant!" Leigh cheered as well.

And so, flyers went out to the students and staff of Hogwarts for tryouts. Our weird narrators picked their favorites, as well as forming an act of their own. The potion only needed one more week to be ready.

So, they waited...

And waited...

And waited...

At this point in real time, Leigh turns to Sam and says, "What are we doing for the talent show?"

"Oh, it's great! Let me show you! We'll have Fred Weasley helping, too. Did you know he could play drums?"

"He's back at Hogwarts?

"Yeah, he and George are just because they want to hang out. They wanted to visit their youngest brother and sister."

"Oh. So what are we doing?"

"You have the magical power to play keyboards, I can magically play bass, and Nick can play guitar."

"What are we doing, Sam?!"

"Does this mean anything to you?" Sam pulled out a big black case from underneath a trapdoor in her closet. She opened it and Leigh's eyes grew wide. Inside were four orange jumpsuits with white accents and four white headbands with red jewels on them. She held up a large jar of blue makeup, and Leigh finally figured out just what they were going to do.

Why the hell would Fred and George come back to Hogwarts after their ass-kicking exit? What are the jumpsuits and headbands for, anyway? The narrators can't really play anything other than the kazoo, so how come they have the magic power to play instruments? Why do the narrators keep getting off track?

Well, it's sad, really. We have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)... oh look! Another penguin just walked by!

FIND OUT NEXT WEEK IN NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE, "LONDON BRIDGES ARE FALLING DOWN" or...

Hey, look! This fork I'm holding can fit in the light socket!


	4. Punch and Pie

Sniff sniff.

"Um, Sam? What's that smell? Sam?" A curious Nick asked when he couldn't find Sam.

"Ew...she's smoking and she smells like burning." A rainbow haired girl said as she found Sam laying next to the electrical outlet with a melted piece of metal that appeared to once have been a fork, but now it looked like a piece of scrap metal.

"Thanks, Leigh."

"Maybe we should poke her with a stick...Ooh! Look! She was working on our fun little fanfic! Maybe I should work on it."

"Why not get help?"

"Because working on the fanfic would be more fun."

"True, please continue then!"

"Okey dokey!"

The big night was upon Hogwarts like a pack of horny fangirls on Orlando Bloom. Everyone was ready to rock.

"Who's our first act?" George, the host, said to Sam backstage. She wore a headset and carried around a clipboard.

"Let's see... Lavender Brown is doing a piece on the piano... hey! Don't you have a lineup?"

"No... I wasn't given one."

"Well, okay. Here, have this one." She handed him a slip of paper.

"Wish me luck!" He smiled.

"You don't need it!"

"Do it anyway!"

"Okay! Good luck!"

"Thanks."

Sam rolled her eyes as he walked on stage.

"Witches and wizards, teachers and students. May I welcome you to the first Hogwarts Talent Show!" The crowd cheered. "We have a great lineup for you tonight, so just sit back and relax!" The crowd cheered some more. "First off, we have Lavender Brown playing an original piece on the piano, 'Lament of the Warthog.'"

Lavender began her piece while more buzz was going on backstage. Cho Chang was missing her batons. Susan Bones was panicking because she was supposed to sing and had been cursed unknowingly with a Silencing Spell by Padama Patil to decrease any competition. And there was a big hubbub about the mysterious finishing act, done by the newest guests of Hogwarts. Meanwhile, Versace was applying stage makeup on Malfoy.

"You know, you have gorgeous eyes," he said to Malfoy.

"What?"

"You have gorgeous eyes."

"I don't swing that way, I hope you know."

"Oh really? I happen to know that you do. Or at least, you're bisexual."

"I like girls!"

"What's the name of the song you're singing again?"

"'Like a Virgin' by Madonna."

"Honey, I hate to tell you this but you are fruitier than a box of Froot Loops!"

"Am not! Now shut up and do my makeup! Ow! Don't poke that makeup brush there! It hurts! Anyway, tell me about you. What about you? We all know you are a flaming homosexual and a complete dumbass. What else it there about you?"

"You want to know a secret?"

"What is it?"

Versace leaned in close to Malfoy's ear. "I am the son of Voldemort."

"You can't be!"

"Why do you say that?"

"One, you're a flaming homosexual. Two, you're a dumbass. Three, if you are, you wouldn't have told me. But I guess that further shows that you are, in fact, a dumbass."

"But I am. I have been sent here to kill Harry Potter."

"Kill Potter! Well, who doesn't want to do that?"

"But you see, I have a predicament."

"What is it? Have you fallen in love with him?"

"Yeah..."

"Damn that was predictable! Where is our writer, Sam?"

"Why?"

"That was too predictable. There you are!" Malfoy stood up and approached Sam. "You're writing is lame! Why am I singing 'Like a Virgin'? Furthermore, why am I singing? I don't sing!"

"Well, I like that song! It's filthy! And Madonna rocks! Plus, you are kinda gay."

"REALLY gay!" Piped in Versace.

"Shut up! I'm not!" Malfoy yelled at him. "But why is Versace telling me that he's Voldemort's son and he's in love with Potter even though he was sent to kill him."

"Because I needed to get that plotline in the story!"

"But why ME?"

"I dunno."

"You suck at writing."

"I know. I guess I'll just hand this over to Nick or Leigh now. Maybe they can fix it for me. Besides, I need to start getting ready for the finale."

"The finale? Already?"

"No, I just have to apply blue makeup on my body. That can take a little while, unless you're doing it with a partner. Then it's kinda kinky."

"Kinda? Hell, that's like on the same level as a big lesbian love fest." Versace piped up.

"Thank you, Dr. Disturbing. Must you always give us unneeded images in our mind?"

"You're gonna hear it eventually so you might as well hear it from me!"

"Right. Any who! Cho, it's your turn!"

"But I can't find my batons!"

"That's your problem not mine!"

"You look marvelous darhling!" Versace seemed to shout above all of the other noises backstage at the time including Cho's whining about how she can't find her batons.

"Um, thanks?" Malfoy said questionably.

"Oh, no problem, just any time you need a make up artist, just give me a ring!"

"'Cept we don't use phones."

"Well you know what I mean!"

"Actually, no I don't, but thanks for trying!"

A sudden dark wave swept over Versace's face. His eyes rolled up inside of his skull and he began to talk in a demonic voice.

"I'm gonna eat your soul!"

Then as sudden as it happened, it disappeared. Versace gasped for breath, and Malfoy caught him.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Oh, well, you see, there's a sort of condition I inherited from my father. Sort of a bi-polar schizophrenic thingy. I'll be fine, and then I'll be all Satan-like. Sometimes it lasts for seconds, other times, it can be hours or days."

"We can't have you doing that around here... it's too creepy."

"I know. That's why I usually have to retreat somewhere, like a dungeon or a bathroom to release the demons within me."

"You mean masturbate?"

"Yeah, that too."

"Ew, did not need to know what your masturbatory habits were."

"Well, one person doesn't need to know a lot of things but then they end up finding out and then we end up torturing them and accidentally kill them and then we have to hide the body and then eventually run out of hiding places for the dead bodies and it just ends up being a big mess."

"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight..."

"Any who, who's on stage right now?"

"I thought Cho was."

"They couldn't find her batons."

"So Padama's turn. I think."

From the stage they heard George say, "Thank you Padama. And now Draco Malfoy will be singing, oh you have got to be kidding me...He's going to be singing 'Like a Virgin' By Madonna."

"Shit! It's my turn!"

"Good luck, sweetie!"

"Don't call me sweetie!"

"I'll try not to."

Meanwhile, Nick, assistant stage manager and part of the finale, was trying to find Sam so he could get blue makeup for himself. He opened up a door and found a darkened room. He thought he could hear someone inside, so he felt along the wall for the light switch. He flicked it on and wished he didn't.

"AHHHH!" He screamed.

"AHHHH!" The girl inside screamed.

Nick slammed the door quickly. Cho walked past him, and he ran to catch up.

"Uh... Cho?"

"Yes?"

"I found your batons."

"You did? Great! Where are they? Maybe I could still be in the show!"

"I don't think you want them back."

"Yes I do!"

"Parvati Patil has them."

"Well tell her to give them back! I want them!"

"No, you don't. Not after what she's been doing with them..."

"What has she been doing with them?"

Nick gave an exasperating sigh. "She's been..." he said before whispering the rest in her ear. Cho was horrified.

"Uh...she can keep them. I don't have to perform in the show."

"Thanks, I knew you'd understand."

Ring Ring Nick's cell phone went off.

"Hello?"

"Yeah, Nick."

"This is him. Yes?"

"Yeah, we are kinda having a problem here." Leigh said on the other end of the phone.

"And what's that?"

"We ran out of blue make up and we can't find any more."

"I knew this was a bad idea to have it no where near Halloween!"

"Where can we get more?"

"We could always see if any wizards here know how a spell to multiply makeup."

"Tried it. Doesn't work. Wait, Sam is bouncing up and down. She wants to say something."

"Are you sure she's all right after that shock the other day?"

"Yeah... maybe. Hold on."

Leigh turned to Sam. "What is it?"

"Foy's!"

"Foy's?"

"Yes! Foy's! The year-round costume shop!"

"But that's where? Ohio?"

"Yeah... but... they'd have blue makeup!"

"How are we going to get there?"

"I dunno... ask a wizard!"

Leigh got back to Nick. "Sam says we should go to Foy's. It's a year-round costume shop."

"Can you get there quickly?"

"That's the problem. It's in OHIO!"

"Smack Sam for me."

"No problem!"

SMACK!

"Okay, now what?"

"Oh, I just found some more blue makeup! Versace has some in his makeup kit!"

"Great! Now I don't have to try to hitchhike a way to Ohio."

"And how were you going to do that?"

"With my feminine wiles of course!"

"Yes, Leigh. Shut up, Leigh."

"Gee thanks! I love you too!"

Leigh hung up the phone. Sam was hugging Versace tightly. "Thankyouthankyouthankyou!"

"Uh... you're welcome?"

Sam rubbed some of the blue makeup on her face. "Wow, this stuff is better than our other stuff!"

"Yeah, I had some left over from when some of the guys I knew back at Beauxbatons and I had a Smurf orgy..."

"WHAT?"

"Oh, you didn't hear anything..."

"Like hell I didn't!"

[Random penguin walked by.

"And now Draco Malfoy will be singing, oh you have got to be kidding me...He's going to be singing 'Like a Virgin' By Madonna."

"I made it through the wilderness!"

"He said he wasn't gay right?" Harry asked because Leigh needed someone random to ask this question and was bored with using herself and Sam.

"Yeah, I thought he said he wasn't..." Ron said.

"Where the hell did you guys come from?" Versace asked.

"Again, Leigh was bored with using herself and Sam for dialogue," Harry explained.

"Anyways, Leigh and I need to put on our blue makeup for the finale," Sam said. "Bye-e-e!"

And the girls skipped away... well, at least Leigh did because Sam is gimp and never learned to skip the right way in her childhood. Neither did she learn how to blow bubbles with bubble gum, so yeah, she's gimp...

"Those girls are strange," Hermione said. "I caught them yelling something like, 'Die Gurke' at the top of their lungs. And they were wearing cat ears. And making gingerbread cookies in French maid outfits."

"That's really strange. Who makes gingerbread cookies anymore? They are so passé," Versace said, then realized he actually said the word 'passé.'

"Dude," piped up Ron after a long time of radio silence, "you are so gay."

"Omigod! Thank you! I have never gotten such a great compliment before in my life!"

"Right. Anyway, back in the real world."

"Well, Ron, technically, we are just another fantasy world so our world as we know it is made up. It doesn't really exists. We were just a creation from the wonderful mind of the wonderful goddess J.K. Rowling. We are just her minions that she does with whatever she wants."

"But, Hermione, if we are J.K. Rowling's creations, then why are we under the control of these wonky chicks!"

"See, Ron, that is what we call a Fan Fiction, or fanfic for short. People come up with ideas and then write them down and then put them on the internet for everyone to read!"

"What's this enterey-net-majig that you're talking about?"

"Nothing, Ron, just go back to sleep."

"But I wasn't asleep! I've been awake this whole time! As a matter of fact, we haven't gone to night time. Well, we did but then if we are still following that then it must be like at least noon the next day! Haven't these weird girls ever heard of 'Sleeping?' It's a wonderful thing! Everyone should do it!"

"Yes, Ron. Shut up, Ron."

Leigh came by, covered with blue makeup from head to toe and wrapped in a towel. Hermione smacked Ron because he was staring at her.

"How about you guys go and enjoy the rest of the show? You've been working all night! Oh, and can one of you pass this note on to George to announce? We're having an after-show party and have punch and pie. Everyone must attend and enjoy."

"Okay..." Harry said, still gawking at the blue skinned, rainbow-haired pixie standing in a towel next to him. "I'll do that..."

"Great!" Leigh said, off again with a leap and a bound. Far off, you could hear her yell, "Die Gurke!"

Versace, Ron, Hermione, and Harry went to see the rest of the show. A half an hour later (Sam is too lazy to think of other acts besides the ones mentioned.), it was time for the finale. Except backstage, another problem arose.

"YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!" Sam yelled at Dillon.

"What?"

"I PAID THOSE TWO KIDS TO DISPOSE OF YOU!"

"You mean, like kill me? And quiet down... hopefully the audience can't hear you now..."

"Fine! But yes, you were supposed to be killed, disposed of! What did they do with you?"

"Well, when I woke up I was in Mexico. I walked all the way here."

"You walked?"

"Yeah it was kinda hard since, like, there's this thing called the Atlantic Ocean in the way. But I did it."

"How?!"

"You wouldn't believe how long trumpet players can hold their breath."

Leigh at this point is standing and gawking at Dillon, trying to figure out how he could have crossed the Atlantic Ocean without a boat of any kind. "Right, anyway, we have to go and put on a show so, let me see how I can put this politely, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"

"But I'm supposed to be the drummer in your act, remember?"

"We replaced you with Fred!"

"You guys suck!"

"Well, even if you were able to perform, what about the makeup? You need to be blue!"

"See, I fixed that too! Watch!" Dillon then proceeded to hold his breath. And he did turn blue, and passed out.

"Hey! You two random kids I paid before to dispose of him! This time, when I mean dispose, get rid of him completely! I don't want to see him again! If you don't, I'm going to send Leigh after you with her Hello Kitty spoon!"

"How much you paying us?"

"Nothing, because of that crap job you did before!"

"Fuck you, we're not doing it!"

"Dammit!"

George peered out from behind the curtain. "You guys have to get going! The crowd is vicious! They want the punch and pie!"

"Fine! They'll get the punch and pie in a moment! Do something to distract them!" Leigh yelled. She found a penguin walking by and gave it to him. "Here, use this!" And George disappeared on to the stage with the penguin. Leigh and Sam tied Dillon up and shoved him into a closet nearby. They caught up with Fred and Nick, who were blue and dressed in their orange jumpsuits like Leigh and Sam were. They signaled to George that they were ready, and he introduced them.

"And now, folks, a real treat for you! Three weirdos from another dimension named Leigh, Nick, and Sam are going to perform with my brother, 'One More Time' by Daft Punk."

They stepped onto the stage and began to perform. Fred played the drums, Leigh played the keyboards, Sam played guitar, and Nick played bass. After they were finished, the audience fiercely applauded. It was awesome! Leigh said to Nick, "You know what's funny?"

"What?"

"I don't know how to play keyboards, you don't know how to play bass, and Sam doesn't know how to play guitar, but we just did."

"Yeah, how did that happen?"

"Yeah, and how come Sam could sing like a male robot?"

"I don't know that either. Anyway, let's get this makeup off and have some punch and pie."

"Punch and pie! Punch and pie!" Sam yelled.

"Yes Sam, shut up Sam."


End file.
